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has since told me that he was then 'in love' with A. and
'jealous' of me. I believe I was really jealous and in love at
the time, but cannot remember that anything in the nature of
caresses took place between A. and myself.
"Some time later, probably when I was about 9, something led up
to B. saying that she was not built like I was, that she had no
penis, etc. (I cannot remember my nursery term for penis.) I was
incredulous, and demanded to be allowed to see if it was true;
this was refused, and I made many plans to gratify my curiosity,
such as slipping into her room when she was dressing, tipping up
the chair she was sitting in, and trying to suddenly thrust my
hand up under her skirts. I did not succeed in finding out, but
have since thought that, although she did not allow me to attain
the object of my efforts, the later game caused her pleasurable
sensations. I regard these efforts as being prompted purely by
curiosity; I had no feelings of warmth or irritations of the
genitals, and I certainly never manipulated them, nor was I, as
far as I can judge, an unusually prurient small boy. B. left when
I was about 10, when I went to a preparatory school.
"At 121/2 I was sent to a public school, and was then told by my
father the chief facts of sex and warned to avoid masturbation.
My first wet dream took place when I was 14. Rather before this I
had begun to suffer with severe intermittent testicular neuralgia
which practically defied all treatment and continued on and off
for four or five years, the attacks gradually becoming fewer and
"When 15, circumstances compelled me to leave school and to live
for two years at the seaside with no companions of my own age. I
had, however, the run of a well-stocked library, and fished and
collected insects energetically.
"At 16 I made love to the trained nurse attending my mother, but,
owing more, I think, to my timidity than to the austerity of her
virtue, got no further than kissing. About this time wet dreams
became inconveniently frequent; they would occur three or four
times weekly, and resisted the stock remedies. At 17 I was
advised to try connection. This I did, and found but little
pleasure in the act, there being a strong esthetic objection to
the 'love that keeps awake for lure.'
"About this time I found in the United States Pharmacopoeia a
remedy for my emissions, which have, however, always remained
rather more frequent than those of the average individual,
judging from the experience of my friends. Emissions are
generally accompanied by lascivious dreams, but at times take
place when I dream that I am hurrying to catch a train, or to
micturate against time.
"I have of late years (not noticed till after 20) observed that
the dream accompanying emission is shorter; so that, whereas up
to, say, 21 I generally performed the whole physiological act
with my dream-charmer, I now almost invariably emit and awake
before intromission has taken place. There has been no
alternation comparable to this in the performance of the act
while I am awake.
"As regards my physique I should mention that all my reflexes are
very brisk, though I am only slightly ticklish in the ordinary
sense of the term. I sweat easily and am very shy, not only with
women, but with any strangers. I have, however, trained myself
not to show this. About averagely passionate, I should say, and
extremely critical where women are concerned, the latter quality
often keeping me chaste for months at a time."
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